The last 18 months have been extremely difficult for me, I have had to deal with both parents being diagnosed with cancer. Sadly, my mum passed away in late October. This album is comprised of songs I was making throughout this journey of melancholy, which on reflection I felt fitted together to tell a story.

Decision Time
A sad opening to a morbid year. The realisation that everything in life is not all roses. I was fooled by good luck and a lack of adversity until this point in life. My true grit was going to be exposed and tested, as was that of my family. An overwhelming vigour and uncertainty of how we would cope whilst watching the person we love most suffer.

Late Nights
A representation of the intensity that I felt fairly constantly after my mum’s diagnosis. The intensity I felt was not fueled by anger, frustration or aggression, but rather a feeling of willingness to try. The desire to wade through the challenges. The start of an emotional and developing situation that required a lot of me when I was unprepared.

Lurking
A song crafted when I had pushed through the first wave of sadness and disbelief of the ‘new normal’. I started to realise that you can still function as a normal human being with all of these emotions plaguing your thoughts and optimistic efforts. The scary realisation that many others have felt this way before. Empty smiles.

Think About You
The ultimate feeling I get when I think about my mum. A feeling of peacefulness and serenity, granted by what she has given to my family and so many others in her life. I hope it reflects an emotion of tranquility despite everything else that has come before it.

Moments Forever
The intensity of the emotions I felt towards the end of her life was confusing. In honesty, there was relief that the journey had come to an end, the gut-wrenching inevitability was over and instead the heartbreak began. However, among all of this, I felt like her passing gave me a new lease of life and purpose. Despite all of the sadness, I found myself happy and grateful for what we had before.

Clad
Going back to normal life when the memories of someone who has died are all around you is hard. At times, it felt unreal and alienating. The desire to pull through and find happiness again was still strong for me though, despite all of the grief which is sometimes hard to leave behind.

Don’t Make Me Feel
I did not want to pretend that I couldn’t be happy. I still try to think this way, even in the darkest of times there are still things to smile about. Don’t make me feel any less than I am. This song was made last summer, in the sunshine, when I was spending a lot of time with my mum. I think back to those times with fondness.

Rollercoaster
When reflecting on the last year at the funeral, I described the journey of cancer as a rollercoaster for the affected person and their loved ones. The ups and downs, the twists and turns, the elation and the fear. The analogy I think to myself is that I was on that rollercoaster with thousands, perhaps millions, in the past, present and future. For now, I am grateful that this ride has ended, but I also feel a new fear for those who are about to begin theirs.

In The Garden
My mum loved gardening, she would potter, as her mum before her, happily for a whole day with no care for the world. Despite everything, she was always able to switch off from the outer world and just be calm within herself. I am not a spiritual person but I like to think that same calmness will be with her always and has passed onto me now. Whilst I reflect on the tranquility, I realise that through the challenges, I chose to try, for which I am very proud. However life is always rumbling on. I now I wait for what’s next.